Losing someone you love at Christmas

December is almost upon us again and the thought fills me with dread. 
There was a time when I simply adored the ritual of it; when December meant carols by candlelight, an abundant family gathering, and the mad rush to make sure both my children had exactly the same amount of presents under the tree. 
Ever since I was a little girl, Christmas has marked a sacred time when loved ones would gather together. It was a time of giving; a time of joy and a time when the occasional joke caused an argument because a certain someone had too much to drink! Until recently, we would purchase our freshly cut tree in the first week of December and for an entire month the crisp pine scent and the twinkling fairy lights would fill our home with Christmas cheer. For me, December always meant cause for extra celebration. My dad is born on Christmas day and my daughter, who will turn 8 this year – is born on Christmas Eve. 

I remember being in labour with her and thinking how very wonderful it was to be born during one of the most magical times of the year.  But then two years ago - without warning - my Decembers changed forever. Suddenly all of the magic and the wonderment were replaced with sadness and despair. Anyone who knows me will know that I have been to hell and back in these last two years. 

This December will mark the 2^nd anniversary since the death of my beloved. I know they say that time heals all wounds, but there are some wounds even time cannot repair. I know the last two Christmases have been hard on my children as well as my family and friends. I have not felt that same sense of joy or excitement and try as I might; I know this year will not be any different. Losing someone you love is never easy, especially during birthdays and anniversaries when you are reminded of their absence. 

And so for me, December seems to hit the hardest, each time I bump into it. If I could have just one Christmas wish to last me a whole lifetime, it would be this: I wish I could just have him back for one more day - one Christmas day- so that it actually felt like Christmas.