Living in the Rainbow Region for the last eight years has opened my eyes to a new epidemic ... That's right, I'm talking about 'Goddess Syndrome'!
Although you will not find this syndrome in the current DSM-IV, Goddess Syndrome (GS) is nevertheless a very real disorder in which self-centred, narcissistic women attempt to hide their misery behind the facade of a fictional loving, self-empowered goddess.
Women afflicted with GS will often try to lure other naive women into an empowerment circle by offering free or inexpensive seminar's entitled ' Awakening your Kundalini Energy' or 'Discover the Goddess Within'. Sometimes they will also refer to these gatherings as conferences.
GS women will frequently use terms such as, blessings, chakras, abundance, healing, gratitude, energy and manifest - even when these words clearly do not belong in a sentence.
Although GS sufferers rarely work, they appear to have an endless source of income which they use to finance regular trips to India and Bali.
Women afflicted with GS are forever leaving their children with people they just met so they can go off and attend the latest dance workshop or healing seminar on tantra, shamanism or reiki.
Due to the nature of this syndrome, GS sufferers do not realise they are being manipulated by high class charlatans, fraudsters and gurus, and nor do they realise that they like to manipulate others.
Sufferers will do anything and everything to manifest goddess reality, including taking what they can from others repeatedly, without ever giving back.
Recent research has found that frequent trips to Bali are often a cry for help for GS sufferers who can become easily bored and agitated in their day-to-day surroundings, particularly if their rental does not include a pool.
Although the dreaded Goddess Syndrome does not discriminate against age, it does seem to affect white middle-class women more frequently and particularly those who have come from affluent backgrounds.
A strong sense of self-entitlement and self-interest does seem to be a key determinant in the onset of this disorder.
The typical goddesses home environment is laden with crystals, astrology charts and Native American artefacts sourced from China or Indonesia. On the coffee table there are often open decks of angel and / or unicorn cards, and a well thumbed copy of 'The Secret' by Rhonda Byrne.
The strong scent of Nag Champa will often permeate the GS home alongside the stale smell of body odour. GS people are strongly opposed to deodorants and any other harsh chemicals that may harm the environment.
Although GS sufferers do not follow a prescribed religion, they do follow the Hindu tradition of vegetarianism and / or veganism. During times of fasting (also known as a full-body juice cleanse) many GS women also swear off alcohol consumption. (Although I have seen some of these ladies down a keg of chardonnay on a lonely Friday night).
One key feature of GS is delusional or magical thinking. The belief that everything happens for a reason is crucial to GS sufferers who constantly look for ways to confirm this belief to themselves and anyone else who will listen. Please see example 1. below.
Goddess A: My rich father had two spare tickets to Bali next month and he just gave them to me!
Goddess B: That's so amazing! My guru is going to be in Bali next month and I have been trying to manifest a free ticket!
Goddess A: No way! You should totally come with me... I am so over my current guru and I've been putting out for another one to come my way!
Goddess A & B in unison: Everything happens for a reason!!!!
Due to their strong belief systems, GS sufferers are commonly allergic to any negativity or anything that doesn't correspond with their magical positive world view. As such, world news and current affairs can be damaging.
If you start talking about Gaza, Afghanistan, Syria, Sudan or any world event where good people are suffering for no good reason, GS women may actually start to twitch and in some rare cases their eyes may roll back in their heads. This is not recommended. Logic and reason have no place in the GS mindset so keep the negative world speak to an absolute minimum so as not to burst the magical white, western, middle-class bubble.
Research shows that many GS women lack the ability to discipline their children due to their heightened fear of the word 'NO'. Years of magical thinking has led to the false belief that discipline equals negativity and any negativity will damage the child's soul, spirit, psyche.
The children of GS sufferers are generally raised vegan or vegetarian and as such, they are easily recognisable due to their pasty, white complexions and constant snotty noses.
These children are also commonly deprived of regular kid things such as chicken nuggets, chocolate and television and instead, they are given substitutes such as soy hot dogs, carob and German handmade wooden toys.
While there is no evidence of harm to these GS children, studies do show a decrease in vitamin B and an increase in self-entitlement and obnoxious behaviour.
GS children are also easily identifiable by their constant whining and complaining. They are often found climbing on other people's furniture; punching or kicking other people's children and animals; biting, screaming, spitting, running or throwing themselves aggressively on the ground for no good reason.
If you see a GS child doing any of these things - please do not try to intervene. It is likely you will be accused of trying to stop them from expressing their emotions / individuality.
Instead of trying to scold the child in an attempt to stop him from throwing lit matches at your face, simply step aside and wait until the GS mother steps in. She will commonly try to resolve his bad behaviour by kissing him, praising him or patting him lovingly on the head - techniques she acquired from her tantric sacred mothers conference in Ubud last year.
Unfortunately there is no cure for GS at present. However, through fundraising events, such as vegan sausage sizzles and carob chocolate drives, we hope to one day bring an end to the pointless suffering imposed on those poor souls who know someone with this illness.
If you or anyone you know is suffering from GS please see your GP immediately...
Yes you could also see your Herbalist / Naturopath/Reiki Master/ Acupuncturist/ Kinesiologist/Bowen Practitioner/ Energy Worker etc.
Alternatively, turn on your bloody television and get a regular dose of world news.
Blessings.... And Om-shanti-Om.