January 21, 2012

A funny kind of lonely

You would think that having two weeks child free would be a single parent's dream. And I was looking forward to the two-week break, so much so that I had even fooled myself into thinking that I would spend my time by catching up with friends and maybe even going out to a party or a bar. Instead I have spent most of my time sitting at home and feeling sad. Pretty pathetic right?

These last two weeks without my daughter have been particularly hard on my heart. Don't get me wrong, I have missed both of my children equally while they have been in Melbourne, but I am used to my son going away for extended periods and I have always had to share his company with his father, friends and more recently his girlfriend. But with Chilli, things are different. Since we moved to Byron in 2006, we have rarely been apart. We do everything together and I am realising that I depend on her as much as she depends on me. In some ways, maybe even more......

But if this time apart has taught me anything, it is that I need to start building adult relationships again and making an effort to get out there in the world. It isn't easy and it doesn't come naturally to me, in fact I find the idea terrifying but I know I have to try. One day my babies will be all grown up and they will leave the nest and what will I do then? Depending on them is not healthy for any of us and feeling like I am lost without them and that my life has no other purpose is just bonkers.

Still, I have been raising babies since I was 19 years old and I cannot even remember who I was before I was a mother. I guess I need to invest some energy in finding that out. Don't get me wrong, I have friends and I have interests but I am just not interested in going out drinking anymore and that still seems like what most people are inclined to do. How else are you supposed to meet people? Make friends or start a relationship?

And I am not one for Internet dating, in fact that entire process makes me nauseous. No, it isn't easy and I can see why for the most part, I just hide behind my children but somehow, something has to give. Maybe I will make an effort to be a little more social.

But for the time being I am counting down the hours until my precious babies come home.


Anonymous said...

Thanks for this post. Yes, it does get hard getting out there and socialising when you don't really want to get into the drinking. I have found this also. I'm completely over the hangovers and the lifestyle, but it's what most of my friends are out doing, so it is hard to find other avenues for socialising. Can totally relate! I'm planning on looking in to more spiritual classes and groups, for instance: yoga, meditation and some pagan workshops. This way, connections can be made outside the trap of boozing!

Misha Sim said...

Thank you for the comment and for those really great suggestions. You are right, we need to start looking at options that don't involve alcohol and I am sure there are loads of them out there. Life drawing and dance are others that now spring to mind. Appreciate your input. Cheers, Misha.